Олександр (анонімно) Oleksandr (anonymous)

Once it became clear that there were Russian shellings near Mariupol, that they [the Russians] were exerting influence, and that more military personnel were appearing in the city, active resistance to the Russian military began in the Donetsk and Luhansk regions — and then there was a greater awareness of what was happening. Over time, it all crystallized in my mind and, probably, in the minds of many others. By the way, I just remembered that in the spring or early summer, just when this temporary occupation was happening, one day at school they just sent us home, I remember packing our bags, but then we didn't need them. Although I know that quite a lot of people left the city during that period and then returned a month or two later. At that time, my family didn't really have a strong awareness of what was happening or an understanding of what needed to be done to prevent it. I remember how my mother spent a week — maybe more — at her workplace sorting through the burned city executive committee building, namely looking for documents that had burned there. As she still says now, they came and threw everything away because everything smelled of smoke. And then the beginning of [20]15 is particularly memorable. It was probably one of the worst days for the city before [20]22. It was January 26, if I'm not mistaken, [20]15, when the Russians heavily shelled the Skhidnyi neighborhood. And the Skhidnyi neighborhood is exactly where my father's apartment was, my father's parents' apartment. At that time, only my grandfather and great-grandmother lived there. Fortunately, my grandfather was not hurt, but more than twenty people were killed. It was Grad [rockets]. And at that time, it was very shocking for the city, because then, for the first time since 2014, it was the local residents, ordinary residents who were not involved in any processes, who suffered the most. And then it became clear that this was not happening somewhere far away, but close by, and could happen at any time.

I found it quite interesting to arrange my life independently. I was happy to return to Ukraine and be in the Ukrainian context. I really missed this environment, the people, this constant connection with events. Even when you are abroad, and you understand that there is some kind of shelling going on in Ukraine, it is very disturbing that someone is feeling the consequences, someone is feeling these emotions, and you are not. And you lose that connection with the environment. I only had a few classmates with whom I could meet in Kyiv, just starting to enroll. The first year, we had distance learning. And, you could say, it was also a period of amazing self-development and reflection on the experiences I had. I am very grateful to my parents for allowing me to live through this period on my own and return to Ukraine. My father had already left on a voyage abroad, on a ship, while my mother and sister remained in Germany. Later, I returned to them at the beginning of... You could say, winter. I was still seventeen at the time. I lived there for one more period, over two months. It was a more interesting and enjoyable period abroad, as I realized that I still had an apartment in Kyiv and a connection to that place, that I would return here in any case. There was no struggle with my mother or family about the fact that I definitely had to return. There was already a certainty that could not be shaken.

The memory that, for me, the territory of Ukraine — in the past, the territory of Mariupol as part of Ukraine — was the most comfortable place in my life, and this left me with no choice but to stay here. I feel most comfortable here, despite all the problems that may exist. Here, I feel most free. In some ways, it is a question of language and traditions, but in many ways it is also a question of environment, both physical and mental, of what our cities are like, of our everyday practices in them. I missed this incredibly when I was abroad. Although, of course, now that I am no longer abroad, I am interested in learning about other environments, primarily to compare the practices we have here with those in other cities. But there is also a kind of civic duty in this return, which is important to me. I need to be here to feel Ukraine directly. Probably, after everything that happened to me back then [in Mariupol during the siege of the city], this connection has become even stronger. And also, when I think about how my ancestors lived, even though they were all from different regions and many of them may not have had Ukrainian roots, it still tells me that I have to be here. At the same time, the geography of my travels somehow resembles the geography of the movements of people from my family in the past. And I like that. Today, I can no longer say that I want to have... I may want to, but I am not ready to have a permanent place of residence in Ukraine right now, because Mariupol is still my permanent home. And I'm not sure that I can have, or am ready to have, a permanent place of residence somewhere else.